From Friday 19 August, 2016
Today I forgot to pack my son’s lunch. Do I feel bad about it? Of course. Would I be the only mum to have ever done this? I seriously doubt it. Can I change it? No. Can I blame it on the full moon? Also a “No.” Luckily, he had other food in his lunch box, so it’s not like he starved for the entire day but that doesn’t seem to make it any better. The other week I forgot his water bottle. Yesterday I had car trouble and had to call roadside assist. Long story short it was human error. There was nothing wrong with the car. For a few moments that evening my marriage took a nosedive over the incident.
Now usually I would look at all of these instances of unfocussed energy and say something is off and it is a sign I need to come back into alignment…and be more present. A person with perspective might remind me of all the times I made good on school requests, turned up at school events or helped out in class. In this moment none of that seems to matter because I forgot something way more important. In this moment the self-judgement is rife. Motherguilt central.
Another (unhelpful) thought pops into my head – as someone who considers herself to be a healer, it frustrates me to no end when I am unable to apply that healing to my own life. I suspect it’s a lack of objectivity and detachment that is the cause of this.
What I can be objective about, is how much I have had on my plate recently and as a consequence the increase in thoughts that run through my mind. It’s like each one is in a sprint to outdo the next in the Mental Chatter Olympics…only there are no winners. The issue I have is that I was well aware of my state of overload and overwhelm. Hence, I was already in the process of simplifying my life. I even did a full moon ritual last night to let go of the old and welcome the new! I’ve been actively working on creating new positive thoughts, behaviours and routines, but it seems it’s been a case of too little too late. Things must have already been set in motion for these latest moments of confusion to arise. I am trying to remain calm. All I know is it is causing chaos.
So much chaos that I almost had an accident a moment ago. In a rare moment of clarity I decided to do the only thing that would help me. I parked the car and wrote myself these notes. I just needed to get stuff out. To get the countless thoughts playing havoc with my faculties out. Writing does that for me. It is my therapy. “What actually is it that I want from my life?” I ask myself. The answer comes to me loud and clear: more dazzle and much less frazzle.
Where was my eagle-instinct last full moon? The eagle can symbolise looking at things from a new, higher perspective.
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