Shades of Love

I wanted to write a blog for this Valentine’s Day that would rock your world and leave you quivering at the knees but then I had to face the cold hard reality that there will only ever be one E.L. James. And so what you’ll get is my matter-of-fact personal experience and interpretation of this now highly commercialised day of the year that we call Valentine’s Day.

Despite being a self-confessed lover of history, I did not fall in love with the origins of Valentine’s Day. Writing about some Christian Saint who performed weddings, was imprisoned and once wrote on a card, “Your Valentine” didn’t quite tug at the heartstrings.

I have instead chosen to focus on what Valentine’s Day means to me, well at least for this year. I promise not to be too cynical of a day when we are meant to celebrate love.

I would much rather practice love wholeheartedly in my marriage 365 days of the year instead of on one hyped up, over-rated 24-hour period.

In response to a question for the Ask Sharon column last week, I commented that, “Trust is a word that gets thrown around a lot…what does it actually mean?” The phrase has been playing over in my head in the lead up to Valentine’s Day, only “trust” has been replaced with “love”. So I’ll rephrase, if love is a word that gets thrown around a lot, what does it actually mean?

The past life Scientist in me and the current life analytical me thought the best place to start was with…well…science. Then I pondered,

“If life is like a laboratory then love is the organism!”

The organism that is studied, manipulated, admired, probed, prodded and mutated. Kind of like love in real life!

At one point while writing this blog about love, my mind drifted to one of my favourite 80’s movies Weird Science. The two main characters, teenage outcasts, create the perfect woman – beautiful, smart and with special powers. So this got me thinking about how many relationship moments go south because of our unrealistic expectations on the significant other in our life.

Many of my own personal disagreements and disappointments in relationships have been because I was too focused on what my partner was doing (or not doing) at the time. I think this is exacerbated for mothers who have, at times, what feels like an insurmountable to-do list. So it becomes easy to notice when the dishes need re-stacking, the garbage needs emptying, the sippy-cups need filling or when a nappy needs changing. (It also becomes easy to notice when your partner seems to be enjoying downtime with their phone while you’re rushing around like a cyclone trying to get everything done…but that’s a blog post for another day!)

However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. With awareness and practice, what I began to do differently was focus on myself. Attend to my own needs and emotional happiness first. Focus on my role in the relationship and learn to drop all expectations. And I mean ALL. Ironically, when the focus is switched and there’s a healthy dose of detachment thrown in, you no longer ‘notice’ things that ‘need’ doing. Even more liberating is that when your partner does them without the nagging, you feel a higher level of appreciation and a lower level of stress. Win-win.

Here’s something to experiment with this Valentine’s Day. Rather than pooh-poohing your partner (either in your head or out loud), instead see what happens when you create a space for them to be the best they can be. Hold the eye rolls for a moment, let me explain.

In our household, we identified activities important to each of us and together we facilitate for those to happen. My hubby gets great satisfaction out of maintaining the yard. So I play with the kids outside while he fires up the power tools – safety first! He knows I love my tennis. So one night a week he puts the kids to bed and I can have that time for me. We are both better off for it. There is a mutual understanding and respect with regards to our own personal levels of fulfillment…without the squabbles (most of the time!).

Another part of my love lesson involved making an effort to remind myself why I fell in love with my husband in the first place.

I think we would all agree that when it comes to falling in love, the honeymoon period is way too short. There’s science to explain this – something I was very interested in. I came upon the BBC’s science webpage and ended up at the very relevant “Science of Love” topic.

“When it comes to love it seems we are at the mercy of our biochemistry. One of the best-known researchers in this area is Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey. She has proposed that we fall in love in three stages [lust, attraction and attachment]. Each involving a different set of chemicals [testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine – aka adrenalin, oxytocin, and vasopressin].”

Sounds like a laboratory that would rival Walter White’s best efforts in Breaking Bad! Is it any wonder then that when we fall in love (or lust) we feel completely blinded to anything else other than the object of our affection? Who hasn’t worn those shades of love at least once in their life?

The one thing I have found to help recapture those feelings we experience in the ‘honeymoon period’ is to spend quality time together. Yes, it has been said before but that’s for good reason, because it really helps to create relationship bliss (or at least moments of). I’ve learned over the years to redefine what quality time looks like. It can mean a dinner for two (where you TRY not to talk about the kids) or sipping coffee side by side with each person reading their latest favourite novel. Sometimes there’s banter, sometimes silence. But that’s ok because for a few moments we are at peace…and in love.

During the writing of this I had a serendipity moment late one night which confirmed for me the importance of creating our own happiness within relationships. I was listening to an audio track titled “The Causes of Unhappiness” by Eckhart Tolle on his Through the Open Door series (one which I have not listened to for maybe a year or more) and as I was listening he said these powerful words:

“The longest humans are without conflict is often when they fall in love…and that can last a few weeks!”

He goes on to quote a line from A Course in Miracles:

“It has taken time to misguide you so completely but it takes no time at all to be who you are.”

Eckhart clarifies further:

“To be who you are means: who you are in your essence underneath the conditioned mind structures. And the only access you have to that is through the little doorway of Now. And it’s only here – only through the power that is inherent in the present moment – that all those mind structures dissolve. The power of the present moment is the power of life itself. ”

Well, that was certainly true for Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey. They were undoubtedly in the present moment a whole lot of the time!

For me, Eckhart has merely drawn attention to the idea that being in the moment is the ultimate act of self-love. And when we honour that, the love we have to give to our relationships takes on a whole new meaning – another shade of love.

So from the power of love I’ve arrived at the power of the present moment. Wow! I didn’t see that coming this Valentine’s Day. But I’m sure glad I took this journey to find out.